During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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