If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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