she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
