I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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