bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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