I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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