Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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