I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
