I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
