There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
