I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
do nipples grow back?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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