The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
