She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
