Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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