I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
