my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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