I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I want her autograph on my taint
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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