I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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