I cut my penus on the lid.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
