My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
