That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
