I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
