I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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