Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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