I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
