After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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