this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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