Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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