My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
