the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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