I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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