The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
