we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
