Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
