So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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