I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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