I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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