Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
