Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
