It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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