Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
