I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
