And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
