I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
