so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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