pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
