Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
