Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
