he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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