I'm laying in your front yard are you home
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
